Saturn (Part 1)

So hello 3000k+ readers that actually read my pathetic love life. I am back for more.

(I try to make it as short as I can)

So after with A I've almost to move on and love myself as a single woman. But no, suddenly a guy named D came into my life. It's start with a Facebook message. He start it and I reply and it goes on and on till we hooked up. WHILE I rejected to him once (or twice) first, because I'm still in healing stage. But in the end we're together. I was few weeks single if I'm not mistaken.

So dating him was real fun. He is not too socialize but open minded. He make me experience a lot of things. Like, going to clubs, listening to EDM, get drunk, get high etc. I admit It was an unexpected journey of life but for real he is an amazing guy with a charming smile that makes everyone melts.

Humans is not perfect, He do have It's down as well but It doesn't mind me till one day I mentioned about I feel under appreciated about my life and I need more attention. It annoyed him and eventually kept calling me an attention whore and I guess that's where the fun part started...

I don't want to mention on how much things and sacrifices (Yes really BIG sacrifices) that I did to him and he give me almost nothing. I don't really like saying bad things to anyone, including D even we're enemies. That's okay as long we're together. But one thing that make me really upset about he did to me is that he called me a fat many times and I was so depressed at the moment and I decided to eat all my slimming pills and hoping to be skinny by sweating but sadly I ended up hospitalized for a week and he didn't come at all. No one came actually, even my family. Everyone busy with their "business". They almost didn't care that their "love" ones is having depression and anxiety. Priorities huh. Oh and guess what, even the doctor laugh at me and calling me stupid. Yeah, I really trying to hurt myself because It's fun, how professional.

Family problems aside. So yeah D, you know who you are and if you reading this please.
I'll never forget the moments. Our first kiss. First meeting. Oh remember when I celebrate your birthday? I did that quite good eh? Haha I loved when your surprised and do you remember that you smiled a lot on that day and it make me super happy <3. I remember on how every time I pick you up from work you give me a quick kiss and smiled. I'm not a creep I'm a person who appreciated all the little things (as well as remember all the bad things lol). Oh Oh! You remember on my birthday I just kept quite and hoping that you said Happy Birthday at least because I know you won't give me anything which is fine but you didn't... until I tell you that It's my Birthday lol you're so dork <3. Remember you took my club virginity? hahaha It's my first time ever been to club and we rock it together \m/ Omg, how I'm going to forget that!. There is a lot actually but I only mentioned the moments where our relationship that changes either up or down. Also the time you at China and you texted me on how much you missed me, I really feel the most loved that time And lastly remember how we trying to get along and you finally bring me to dinner at Taiwan House? After we finished we walked together and there's a shop selling cupcakes and you walk faster and slowly running to the shop because you want buy cupcake, that is the most adorable things I ever seen. Eventually that is the last moment that you actually sincerely smiled for me with you cupcakes.

Therefore, he dumped me and I'm guessing he is now get back to his ex girlfriend; I text him almost every week to fix our relationship. Yes, I do force him a little to us be together again and fix things that should be fixing.

He reply to my text usually and a third person comes and ask me to stop while I don't want to. I believe that he is still care for me, if not then why he still replying my text? Or he replying so that eventually he could get rid of me? Or he didn't know how to approach me? Or Or Or........

Is it the end? I don't even know.
I don't want it to be ended
He wanted it to be the end

I am emotionally numb

I don't know... I guess there will be part 2 of this... Thanks to anyone who reads this, I really appreciate it :)

From the bottom of my heart Part 2 (Continued)

And I remember when I met him.
It was so clear that he was the only one for me.
We both knew right away.
And as the months went on things got more difficult,
We were faced with more challenges.
I begged him to stay,
Tried to remember what we had in the beginning.
He was charismatic, magnetic, electric, and everybody knew him
When he walked in every woman's head turned.
Everyone stood up to talk to him.
He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself.
I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him.
And in that way, I understood him.
And I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I loved him.
And I still love him, I love him.

From the bottom of my heart PART 2

So It's been forever I haven't update my blog... Now It's 1:35AM. 15th Feb 2014 (18)

I lost contact with my long distance ex boyfriend,ended up weirdly... He been busy I guess,but yet we like each other. We replied each other e-mails but took forever to do so. So I guess we ended up peacefully I guess?

Life been great, I'm starting to love myself and improve my passion of cosplay and such until there's one day around early October I meet this Chinese guy on a group chat on Facebook, my friend the one who invite me to that group. We being silly over the chat and everything till we decided to private chat, exchanging number and knowing each other then guess what? On 17th October 2013 is our official date and the date when I first time meeting him. It was beautiful indeed...

Our relationship is getting better and better. I even sacrifice my virginity to him to proof how much I love him and wanted him to make me mine. Long story short,We both have different religion and we both pretty religious. I thinking for a break up since It's not going to work out in the future but he keep insisting me by saying "We can get this through together" "Don't give up" "We'll have future together"... He motivate me to not to give up easily so I become strong and work hard to build up our relationship to become stronger and forever. He even motivate me to live healthy and lose weight which is great, we laugh every time we at gym, we even hold hands while do cardio,It was perfect. He always pats my head and kiss my forehead. When he did that I feel like a safest person in the world. He keep saying I'm beautiful without makeup and he actually prefer me not to wear make up cause he like my natural looks. No one ever call me beautiful cause all this time guys keep calling me fat and ugly while he liked it, I was very shocked and happy when he said that, I never been grateful in my entire life. I was very thankful to Allah who bring us together.

He used to say, "I never break up with you and It's impossible for me to do so". and "If you break up with me, It's going to have a big hole in both of our hearts and we will be missing each other"
I trusted him. I promise him that I never ask for break up.

There's one day...
My mum start an affair with this old fat fag until now and been ignoring me and the whole family
but then there's him to brighten up my day

There's one day I feel insecure...
but then there's him
When, I feel ignored or lonely...
He is there always to make me safe and sound...

Until I messed up everything...
I become emotional and start hating myself, he keep motivating me but I was stubborn...
I become self centered, not caring about his needs...

He had enough with me...
He asked for break up...
Over Whatsapp...
I thought he won't do that...
My heart shattered...
I don't know what to do...
I was so lost...
So I begging him and he saying that I'm showing my true self, which is a"Pathetic Bitch"
He actually call me that...

I can't do anything...
He said "If you change I'll think about it"
I thought I'm yours?
Sayang,I'm yours right?

I'm nothing without you
all my dreams and the lights mean
nothing without you...

Until now this moment,
I can't think about anything
All I want is him back by my side
That's all
Is that too much?

Sayang If you read this, just so you know that:
I need you
I will change for sake of saving our relationship
I will never hate you
I will always missing you
I will do anything for us to be together
So please think carefully...

Until now, we didn't settle properly about our break ups but I'm starting to like my oldself which is lonely and hating myself...
I really hope that Allah will bring us together back. I pray about us everyday.

P/S: I cried while typing this, It took me roughly 1 hour to type this... I cried so hard when I'm about to reach the end... I keep stopping cause I cried... cry and cry and cry and cry...

Thank you for reading this, It's actually a long story but I'm making it short since I can't stop crying.
Again,Thank you for reading this I really appreciate it.

From the bottom of my heart PART 1

It's actually and E-mail I wrote to my boyfriend , I haven't send it yet so I decided to put on here. It look like more than a diary but this is what my heart feels.

26.07.2012

Just so you know , I never regret meeting you 

I love you so much 

I hope we can stay together till I got there at your place 

27.07.2012

There is an old friend of mine I found him on Facebook (We used to be best friend but not anymore)

We talk about What's new and stuff

He got a girlfriend which is good , I said Congrats

He said , "she living 10 miles away and same age with me", I said "That is sweet"

I said , "I got a boyfriend too" , "he said Cool"

I said , "He lived 1000 miles away and 10 years older than me" , He said "I'm stupid and your bf is a pedo"

I protect you by saying "he is not a pedo , he understand my feelings , I love him dearly , He is a great friend , Trust is the key , I believe him and I have no doubts with him" , He said "I'm a jerk and he said you still a pedo".

I said , "Why you ruining my happiness , you sad creature , He said I am not , you are , get a life , you can get better than him"

I said , "Why I need someone else while I'm have someone perfect , not fully perfect but someone that understand my feelings"

I said , "He knew when I act immature and mature , he respect my age and I respect him as well" , He said "He still a pedo"

He said , "I got a new job with high payment" , I said whoa , "good for you"

I said , "I'm still study , living with my parents" , He said "you suck"

I said "You just jealous" He said "No I am not , you just a sad creature , GET A LIFE !"

I said "Lonley doesn't mean Gone , Quiet doesn't mean Forgotten , Far doesn't mean Separate" He Quite

I said again "Even though I have 2 eyes that doesn't see him everyday , Even though I have 2 hands that can't touch him , Even though I have 2 ears that can't hear him everyday but I have a heart , I loyal heart that always think and always love him"

He said "You pathetic"

I said "I maybe am but I have happiness , As long I he don't break my heart and love me with his whole heart , that is enough for me . I don't need anything else to make me happy"

He said "You crazy bitch"

I said "You have a gf right ? Go take care of her and mind your own buissness"

He said "You'll regret meeting him , I know it cause he is a pedo , I bet right now he flirting with some other girls with the same age as yours"

I said "Well It's okay , as long he love me that is all I needed"

He said "Don't you regret later , don't you find me"

I said "I won't and why the hell I wanted to find you , you suddenly add me on Facebook and right now you trying to ruin my relationship , you jerk"

He said "HAHA well then , I can't wait to see you crying all night"

I said "I won't I'm ready for any risk , I'm ready to be heartbroken , So don't you worried about me , worried about yourself !"

He said "He can't take care of you , he a pedo and old ass man , all he want is some under age girl pussy"

I said "FOR THE LAST TIME IS IS NOT A PEDO! He can take care of me when he live together one day , and that is my Teenage Dream , Living with him in the same roof"

He said " BLEH , Whatever bitch , you crazy , you change alot , you not innocent anymore , You not Reira that I known 2 years ago"

I said "I was immature when my first time meeting you thank you very much , and Yes I am change but in the good way , I may don't have many friends but I have the best friend , lover , boyfriend in the world , I am happy right now , thank you for your concern , It's nice talking to you , Goodbye and have a nice day"

He said "DON'T FIND ME WHEN YOU NEED ME BITCH HAHA"

Then I blocked him and hope that I don't wanna talk or see him ever again ! 

I am happy right now and that is enough (:

Do you know what is my Ultimate wish ?

Being a Teenage dream with you , living with you , or even better marry with you 

I know its too early to talk about married things but hey that is my dream .

You know I'm a pervy so I'm also wish that I can get married early tehe <3

28.07.2012

I am not beautiful like other of my friend but when you call me "Beautiful" It make me smile the whole day I even giggle when I think about it.

At school , guys in my grade keep calling me fat and ugly but it doesn't matter because you make my day and I am a fighter.

I hang out with my sister and her boyfriend and some of her friend at night till 3am.

I do get jealous with surrounding with pretty woman and couples everywhere , even my sister boyfriend said that I'm crazy doing all this and it won't last long . but I know we can . I'm always think positive about our relationship , It sound a little childish but that is how I feel , that childish act inside me is natural and sometimes I over reacting.

I love cuddles , kisses , treat like a child/baby , giggle , do silly things and do stupid jokes 

oh a little pervy too . oh you know it .

I'm also have crazy Imagination .

I really want to go out date with you on your badass bike , We both wearing the biker jacket . You do your concert and I'm right there watching you with the audience , smiling at you while once you hit the drum , give a big pulse when its over.

On your birthday , We celebrate with your friends in your house or in the club , you have fun with the boys drinking while I'm just there by your side just drinking coke or pepsi , since I can't drink.

HAHA silly eh ? I'm also have high Imagination when I got there at your place , when I arrived at the airport.

I maybe got exited by hugging you or I just stand in front of you and crying like stupid person.

Or maybe I jump on you and kiss you on the lips deeply.

Then you bring me home by car since I probably bring big luggage. 

When at I'm your home , I probably get a jet lag so I lay down on your sofa or on the bed then fall asleep.

After I wake up , I'll kiss you on the for head , I make sure I kiss you every morning .

I have thinking alot if we live together , I know this is silly/stupid but hey that's they way I like.

and most importantly , I want we to be a youtube artist like Karmin , I know we can and we will . I'm not good giving names but I know in the future we'll figure it out tehe

Oh and just so you know hunny , I'm ready for everything you said , EVERYTHING .

you can share stories with me , I'd try my best to help you out , I'm not the best advicer but I try my best to make you feel comfortable.

Just in case if I do something that you don't like , tell me , I try to change if that is good for me.

There is nothing can stop us except one.

I know this it a little bit to forward but the walls is the RELIGION

I'm no good giving religious information in english it's pretty complicated for me to do it.

You know what , just wait till we meet the we'll talk about it.

Mid-year exam ...

Only focus on PENDIDIKAN AGAMA ISLAM , PERDAGANGAN and SCIENCE .. Oh , and PAPER 2 ART ...

Others are ... minimum mark to pass oh well .

This is what I do when I finish studying

Editing ...

Staring at Chris Evans ass ...

 Watch more Chris Evans ...

Finally , reading something at Fakku.net 

BOOM ! I forgot everything I read ....

FUCK MONDAY

It's like 4 in the morning , anyways ..

DAMN THATS LONG XD ANYWAY , ENJOY (?) I hate everything about my school the teacher the student everything Since when the teachers starting to be jerks ? Since the first day of school Thats not very nice treating u badly not fair My school before its not a religious school  but it mixed if student want it religious then they can take it so it'll be half mix and half religious then on 2005 they no longer take other race and religion other than muslim and malay after that on 2010 , then starting to make all student into the religion class and finally become a religious school so I'm the leftovers of the mixed class so yeah , most of teachers look us the mixed class as the lower class SO , yea  I hope everything went well I wanna move school next year so just hoping i can hold it How many days of school do I have left ? 6-7 months more MONDAY SUCKS There's rally last week . I was so sleepy so I decide to bring books to read em' to killed the sleepiness , then the overseer gimme a 1st warning not to read while the teacher is giving the speech , Idgaf what she said cause I'm trying to have a fight with my sleepiness .  I see people infront of me doing their homework and talking to each other (Well since I don't have friends I always sit alone) and they don't even give a warning to em' . Then come to the last warning ; that bitch pull mah books I was like dafuq ?!  So , I ask , why you pull mah books ?  I don't even disturb your duty so fuck off .  Then she get pissed and pull it even harder (She said something but I don't hear it clearly cause of teachers giving a motherfu*king long speech) Then I said , If you want this book then take it ! It's a library books by the way , you can returned it for me bitch. Then she silence for a second and said "Don't read it any more or else I'll tell the teacher" I'd LOL and said fuck off. After that when I leave the hall she ask my name and class .  Since I can't lie my name cause I have a name tag So I give a fake class instant . Theres another , Last year story . I sign up myself to make the school magazine club, since I'm good at photoshop and such. It's a special club , not all the student can join. There's only 15 members. So I though this "SPECIAL CLUB" would be fun. Till I realize that all of the members owned the DSLR camera. (Well I don't have it :/) So I feel like , I'm the loser. The head of the club is Mrs. Rose (not real name) She's not good at assembling plans really , at first she ask me to do this , then  change it into that then delete that and she want that back I need to re-do it again ... STFU !  There's one day she need to do a paper work cause the deadline was that day so she ask me to fucking do it , WTF ? I'm a fucking student , I don't do this shit.  Oh and , people at my school office don't know how to work with tech. They don't even know how to work the motherfu*king printer ! GOD ! My school is so LAME. Oh and most of the special member don't know how to work with Photoshop/Firework and stuff like that , they only want the photography position. They got to be the special member because they know how to use Picnik. WHAT THE FUCK ? Finally , I left the SPECIAL CLUB without notice. Because FUCK EM ! TRUE STORY  So tell me guys , WHAT DO YOU SAY ? WHAT'S YOUR OPINION ?  WHAT SHOULD I DO IN 6-7 MONTHS ?

Bleh :/

  I'm 16 year old Asian virgin female .

APPEREANCE AND FAMILY PROBLEMS
Acne. Big thighs , ugly legs and arms. Ugly face . My face is so horrible, aside from the fact that I'm ugly, my face is full of acne, scars, comedones and blackheads . I can't wear nice clothes because I have bad body . My family own a restaurant but eh , my parents took all of the profit , I do help em' every weekend by took care of the cashier , I used to took some money from the cash box to survive . I have 6 siblings (including me) 4 guys and 2 girls (I'm the third) . and I don't really get along with the guys . I used to get along with my sister but she changed after she gone to collage . My mum always bought a new branded watches every month . I am useless in my family , I can't do housework and I only do my own business . We used to have a maid but my parents fired her cause she stupid . So , now all the housework dependent on me , since I'm the only daughter in this fucking house . This house only have PC with no WiFi . thus , my other siblings have their own laptop and broadband . Me ? I used the public PC and WiFi . (Sometimes I borrow my sister laptop , if only she on holidays and back home and in good mood) . My room are SUPER MESSED ! because of my sister BFF shits are inside my room , I blame my sister but my sis blame me back cause I don't tidy it up even my mum on her side . I mean , It's her stuff not mine so fuck it . I like to grounded myself in my room cause that make me feel more calm . I used to go mad once , I rip off my clothes , cry then laugh then talk to myself . I was planning to use the anti depression pill , I don't know . My mum usually give me a injection if I gone mad . A injection is not enough for me , I need more , She think I'll be fine an injection . I don't smoke but I do Shiha-ing .
OVERALL: I can live with myself and money

SCHOOL AND FRIENDS
fuck school , especially math , I'm trying to understand math this year but fuck the front rows . The bitchy girls always get in my way , always keep asking question till the teacher can't hear me . fuck you guys . I don't have any real friends who understand me . I used to have BFF but in the end we'll go with our own path . I'm used to be socialize but I changed cause I'm tried form being fake in front of those hoes . During the break time , I'll stay at class by myself rather going to the cafeteria . My teachers don't give a fuck about me so I IDGF to . They think silence student would understand what they teaching ? hell no ! . Counseling ? they give the same advice all year . The school system ? its a religion school . Don't have music and bands , they don't even have a drum set at the hall , while other school have em' . Music and art are my ability but the school have none . They do have art club but they're dead . I used to work with the school magazines but I quit at the end cause of stupid teachers don't know how to used a Photoshop and printer ! I need to do their work , at last my work does not finish and they blame me , fuck you Media Creative Club SMKS 18 (this club are for the richest bitches hoe who have DSLR camera with no Photoshop experience)
Exam is coming next week , I don't think I can do it and I don't give a fuck about it . I'm the most silence student in the school but I'll have my revenge soon .
OVERALL: Fuck school and hoes

BOYFRIENDS
Most of my date want my body . All my ex-boyfriend said I'm pretty , yeah right , if I'm pretty I would be dating with someone right now . Now I know what they mean by pretty . MY BOOBS . my size are 38B I admit they are beautiful cause of their nice shape and no scars . I really want to date someone who is understanding and not because of my boobs .
OVERALL: I need someone ...

I'm lonely ...
All I wanted is to be on the fame , get married and live happily ever after .
Is that hard ? :(

If you felt the same thing as me and wanna talk more about it , you guys can contact me at Facebook: www.facebook.com/reiraremy
Send me a message that you read this then add me :)